Went to the doctors yesterday (Fri) and Valerie is still in a breech position. apparently, her "heavy" butt is very low, sitting at the cervix. Many wives mentioned that Cantonese call that the "Lotus Flower" position, and it's suppose to be good. Well, I don't care if it's good or not, cause I'll be having a C-section. And I have this dubious feeling that it isn't right. I can't exactly say if it's not right for me or not right for Valerie. At this point in time, as Paul calls it, I'm too stubborn to accept any other ways.
Paul feels that I've already set in my mind that I want a vaginal delivery and he thinks that I'm forcing Valerie to go that way too (and he even hinted that it would be my parenting style too). To a certain degree I agree with him. The gynae said that my amniotic fluid is not in excess that would help the baby turn, and because she's so low down at the cervix, it'll be hard for her to turn too...furthermore, I'm already 2cm dilated. Which in many books mentioned that it could be weeks before labour starts (doc agreed too). Anyways, doc is suggesting that we schedule for a C-section on the week of 38th of my pregnancy to avoid me going into labour and having my water break while Valerie is still in a breech position. But will she be? That is my question.
We'll never ever know if she could have turned or would have turned when labour starts, if we were to have the C-section earlier. That's my apprehension. The unanswered what ifs.....
I know that having the C-section as early as possible is the safest route for Valerie at this point... but is it the natural one? Is it the route that she would want? And there's no way to tell if she would or wouldn't turn. We'll never know that I guess, and I hate that unknown feeling.
I'm still going to try the other options that I have mentioned previously that might help Valerie turn before the 2 weeks are up. Although Paul feels that it's useless, and worry that all that "work" might backfire. He thinks that Valerie might feel distress by it and then decides to go into labour even before the C-section date and still be in a breech position. "Is it a risk you're willing to take?", he asked. Well... being Valerie's mommy, I do hope that I would know when she's distress... the answer is yes. I don't want to give up... I can't give up.
Of course I've thought of the questions... Am I being selfish because I was looking forward to a vaginal delivery? Why am I unable to accept that C-section is the way to go? Why can't I accept the safest route for Valerie? I wish I have answers for all that...
Valerie, mommy just wants what best for you and I hate it that I'm losing control... that I don't have a way to know if this is what you want. And that I have to decide for you, what is the safest way for you to be born based on informed choices (and I really pray hard that we're are well informed).There's no statistics or research that we can base upon... while deciding. Just what the doc thinks is right and to trust that the doc is right too.
Mommy & Daddy loves you, my dear little girl. We can't till we see your little face... and your Lotus Flower butt. :O)
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