I have survived!

It's been a very lightning fast 3 weeks. Another week and I'm a free bird!! Atleast free from confinement. Doctor said I can't drive until after 6weeks.... Arrgghhh.... my legs, my life, my freedom!!

I'm recovering quite well I think. The wound has closed and I only see a thin straight line, except at the center of the wound, the skin is still a little red. And there's still the holes from the staples. Pain has reduced tremendously and I'm only taking the painkillers once a day. There's a kind of numb feeling at the wound, and it feels weird.

As for my uterus... well, my tummy is still quite big, not as big as when Valerie was in there of course. But it's not flat. And there's always a kind of feeling like 'pins & needles' and sometimes, I still feel some contractions in the inside of the tummy (which is where the uterus is located). I'm hoping the uterus will quickly shrink... and I can get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. But I doubt that will happen soon. I'm guessing I'll need another month or 2 to continue wearing my maternity clothing. Then I might have to find some bigger size clothes... while I start losing weight... and then think about squeezing back into my original size. Even the word original is relative. Original from before marriage? Fat chance!! I'll be happy to fit into clothes that I bought last summer when Liz was here.

Anyways, besides the recovery process of the surgery, I'm getting some occupational hazard injuries. Most painful one would be my wrists.... must be from carrying Valerie too much. And it seems that the muscle or ligament or joint in both my inner wrist is inflammed. There are times that I don't even have the strength at that location to carry her. Although my little darling isn't very heavy, but I guess this mommy isn't very limber either. The back of the neck and shoulders are aching too... from bending forward, looking at my lovely angel and checking to make sure she's latching on correctly to my breast. Hahahahahahaha....

I've survived 21 days... and there's another 17years and 344days to go.

Mommy's dead tired

I'm laying on my bed, with the laptop next to me... I'm all wiped out. Started feeding Valerie at 3pm... usually it would be a 10min feed on each breast, then followed by a 5-10min burp (burping time isvery dependant on how long it takes for Valerie to burp and we're still struggling with getting her burped each time). We then take a break by changing her diaper. Valerie would usually have fallen back to sleep after the first breast, therefore it is also a perfect way to wake her up and get her ready for the next breast. We then continue with the other breast for another 10mins (sometimes less if she decides she's full and spits my nipple out!). That will be followed by another 5-10min burp. Usually she would have fallen asleep by this time and would be put to bed after the burp. But today, she decides to be a little more fussy and a little more awake. But this mommy does not have the energy to play with her.

On a normal day... all these will take about 1hr from start to finish. Today it took longer than usual...2hrs, but thank God this kind of a day does not come frequently, but it is one of those days that I wish there's another Daphnie.

Before I Was a Mom

Before I was a Mom,
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing,
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom,
I slept as late as I wanted,
Never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth every day.

Before I was a Mom,
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or
Forgot words to lullaby.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn’t worry whether or not
My plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on.
I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts,
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child, so that doctors could do tests or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
Every ten minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
The wonderment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much
Before I was a Mom.

My friend sent me this poem... and it is exactly how I feel at the moment. I am a Mom.

The long awaited day

One friday morning, at about 715am, Paul was in the shower getting ready for work. I sleepily woke up to relief my full bladder and while wiping dry, I realised I had some blood on the toilet paper. Shocked, but I calmly called out to Paul, "Baby, I see blood". I was cool and collected. Did not feel afraid or even anxious at all. The next thing I did was to quickly place a pad on my underwear and Paul replied, "Do you feel contractions? I think it's just the 'show'. Do you want me to take emergency leave?" I was contemplating, should he, or shouldn't? What if it's just false alarm? What if I've not started labour yet? We decided that Paul should just go to work and I'll call him if there's really a need.

So, I called my clinic and got the voicemail. Left a message for the nurse about the situation and waited for her to call me back. While waiting for the return call, Paul left for work at about 740. The nurse called back just when the garage door was closing. The nurse said, "We don't have any doctors in the office today, go to the hospital and have them check you out." I called Paul on the cellphone and told him, "We have to go to the hospital now." Paul was on the road halfway to work, and he turned back.

Off I went to bathe and wash my hair. I have this feeling that this will be the last day I get to wash my hair, or else will have to wait for a month before getting to wash it again. Paul came back and we packed some stuff that we suddenly remembered into our "emergency bag". He took the camera & video cam along. I was still feeling fine, no pain, no contractions, nothing. Just the feeling of stuff flowing to my pad. I just felt fine, like any other ordinary menstruating day.

Left the house at about 830am and five minutes later, we were at the hospital. Went up to the 3rd floor and signed in. The nurses went through all the procedures of admitting a pregnant woman. The nurse said that I was having contractions, and I don't even feel them. I was hooked up with wires to monitor baby & my vital signs. When a contraction started, the nurse notified me. I was like "Oh, that's how contractions feel like". And the nurse said, "That and 1000 times worse if you were to go through vaginal delivery instead of C-sect." I wouldn't know, cos I never had any menstruation cramps. Thank GOD!

We started calling our family, telling them that we're in the hospital. Doc Fara came in and checked on Valerie, she's still breeched. The anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself and briefly explain the type of anesthetic (Spinal, means I'm awake but I will feel no pain from chest downwards) that I'm having and how the procedure goes.

At 10am, I was wheeled into the surgery room. The room felt cold, and everything was so brightly lighted. The anesthesiologist came in first for my spinal injection. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be fine, as long as I relax and breathe.... The next thing I knew, Ouch!! The jab freakin hurts!! But only for about 10 secs, then it's all over. I slowly began to lose sensation of my body... from my chest... and slowly down to my toes. I was wide awake, I was aware when my surgeon came in. The nurses put up a cloth in front of me, therefore I didn't get to see the whole procedure of the surgery. Paul was seated beside me... and we just waited, and waited... it seemed like a long wait. About 5-10mins later, the doctor asked Paul to get the camera ready... and out pops Valerie!!

Valerie was then brought to me... got to see her but not touch her. She was then whisked away to be cleaned up and have daddy cut her cord. The nurses then weighed her and measured her.

That's the story of Valerie's birth.

The calm before the storm

Wrote this post the day before my water broke. It is very interesting to see how the final event turn out to be.

Getting excited everyday... the time is near... drawing closer and closer

Went to the gynae this morning... our dear Valerie is still in a breech position. I guess she's sitting in a very comfortable "Lotus Flower" position and not willing to move. Many wives over here said that this position is supposedly "good" because it resembles the way Goddess of Mercy sits.... hmmm...

Now that I have the C-sect date confirmed.... I feel so much better. Atleast there's a date to look forward to, and I think I'm not as nervous as before. Although the hope for Valerie to turn still exist, but it's no longer a do or die topic anymore. I've relaxed more... and kinda going with the "Valerie" flow... hahahahhaaha....

The one thing in my mind now is, "Is the doctor the best doc for my C-section?" I know, I know... you'll be saying "One worry has just gone away and another has arise". Cos I thought I was seeing the doc (Fadool) who's doing my surgery. But in came another (Fara, which I've seen before) and frankly, I felt much more comfortable with him. So, I'm now thinking if I should request for a change of doctor for the surgery. I feel like such a wuss. I'm worried about every decision I'm going to make. I'm always second guessing myself all the time.

Oh well, will ask Paul about it and see what he says.

17 Mar 8am is D-day

Finally, I receive the call from my Gynae's clinic. They have confirmed the date & time for the C-section. Next Friday, 17 March, at 8am. I'll be cut open and out will come Valerie Tan. I have to be in the hospital by 6am.... Arghhhh.... hope we can wake up... in fact, a friend mentioned that we most probably won't be able to sleep the night before.

I think Paul won't be able to sleep for the next few days. We were in kinda of a panic last night. Had some pain in my stomach....kind of felt like contractions.... but I wasn't sure.... cos I felt like doing "big" business too. And just before we went to bed, the pain came again, twice. Paul hurriedly pack the emergency labour bag on the spot!! Hahahahha.... was worried that I might go into labour.

Valerie will have less than 2 weeks to do her miracle and turn head down. But also, another worry we have is she might decide to arrive (means I'll be going into labour) before the scheduled C-section and not turn her head down either. Then... I'll be going into emergency C-section (which the doc said, is usually riskier than a scheduled one) One of the risk is having a prolapse cord. It means that the umbilical cord will be falling out before the baby.

All I can do from now till the D-day is to relax... and wait. That's the worst part, waiting... I'm definitely going to go out and get my mind off all this drama.

Do kindly keep us in your prayers.... that GOD will protect Valerie and give us the strength to be patient and have faith that GOD has everything well planned. We just need the faith to surrender this drama to Him.

Strength to keep the faith

Have been reading alot of books and articles on Breech babies and Cesarean section. I think sometimes I'm getting information overload. But yesterday, I had a break. Ma (our American godmother) passed me some fictions books and in that stack was my favourite O'Malley series. And the first thing that I read from one of the books was:

"Fear not, for I am with you,

be not dismayed, for I am your GOD.

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

That is exactly what I need. Strength to trust that all will be fine... because I worry that I'm going to face a breakdown. Mainly from wanting to be in control. Therefore my last nite's prayer was, "Lord give me strength to have more faith... to trust that all will be fine no matter what the outcome is."

Valerie, the Lotus Flower girl?

Less than 4 weeks to go before due date... but we have decided bring it forward. Currently awaiting gynae's office to confirm a date in the week beginning 13 Mar to have a Cesarean section. It would be my 38th week into pregnancy, less than 2 weeks to actual due date.

Went to the doctors yesterday (Fri) and Valerie is still in a breech position. apparently, her "heavy" butt is very low, sitting at the cervix. Many wives mentioned that Cantonese call that the "Lotus Flower" position, and it's suppose to be good. Well, I don't care if it's good or not, cause I'll be having a C-section. And I have this dubious feeling that it isn't right. I can't exactly say if it's not right for me or not right for Valerie. At this point in time, as Paul calls it, I'm too stubborn to accept any other ways.

Paul feels that I've already set in my mind that I want a vaginal delivery and he thinks that I'm forcing Valerie to go that way too (and he even hinted that it would be my parenting style too). To a certain degree I agree with him. The gynae said that my amniotic fluid is not in excess that would help the baby turn, and because she's so low down at the cervix, it'll be hard for her to turn too...furthermore, I'm already 2cm dilated. Which in many books mentioned that it could be weeks before labour starts (doc agreed too). Anyways, doc is suggesting that we schedule for a C-section on the week of 38th of my pregnancy to avoid me going into labour and having my water break while Valerie is still in a breech position. But will she be? That is my question.

We'll never ever know if she could have turned or would have turned when labour starts, if we were to have the C-section earlier. That's my apprehension. The unanswered what ifs.....

I know that having the C-section as early as possible is the safest route for Valerie at this point... but is it the natural one? Is it the route that she would want? And there's no way to tell if she would or wouldn't turn. We'll never know that I guess, and I hate that unknown feeling.

I'm still going to try the other options that I have mentioned previously that might help Valerie turn before the 2 weeks are up. Although Paul feels that it's useless, and worry that all that "work" might backfire. He thinks that Valerie might feel distress by it and then decides to go into labour even before the C-section date and still be in a breech position. "Is it a risk you're willing to take?", he asked. Well... being Valerie's mommy, I do hope that I would know when she's distress... the answer is yes. I don't want to give up... I can't give up.

Of course I've thought of the questions... Am I being selfish because I was looking forward to a vaginal delivery? Why am I unable to accept that C-section is the way to go? Why can't I accept the safest route for Valerie? I wish I have answers for all that...

Valerie, mommy just wants what best for you and I hate it that I'm losing control... that I don't have a way to know if this is what you want. And that I have to decide for you, what is the safest way for you to be born based on informed choices (and I really pray hard that we're are well informed).

There's no statistics or research that we can base upon... while deciding. Just what the doc thinks is right and to trust that the doc is right too.

Mommy & Daddy loves you, my dear little girl. We can't till we see your little face... and your Lotus Flower butt. :O)

It's been a week... since my last check up, and tomorrow, we'll be going to the doctors for my weekly. i do pray hard that Valerie would be in position.

Went on the internet and found a bunch of information on breech babies and many other ways to encourage baby to turn besides the 3 that the doctor suggested.

1. Play music, preferably with headphones, placing them low down on uterus. --> played music but no headphones...but I do place the BabyPlus pretty low, hope that helps too.

2. Shine a very bright light low down on uterus, or even between her legs. --> haven't done this yet... waiting for Paul to help out.

3. Have someone (preferably the father) talk loudly but soothingly to the baby, low on the belly, close to the skin, telling the baby to turn around, to come towards the voice (have also heard that commanding works). --> also waiting for the father to do it.

4. Have a chiropractor perform the Webster technique as appropriate. --> have already went 2 consecutive times but no positive results... doc said usually will take a few sessions... but it really all depends on Valerie.

5. Get into a warm pool walk into the water until up to shoulders. Then have her dive down to the bottom of the pool. As she is deweighted so is the baby and the heavy part of the baby (the head) will go into the pelvis. --> have not tried this yet.. too cold.. brrr brrr brrr

6. Hypnotherapy is supposed to work really well because of the relaxation it induces more than anything else. --> Paul doesn't believe in this, and furthermore, no insurance coverage.

7. Laying on her back on a board or using pillows so that her head is about 40 degrees lower than her feet. --> have been doing this in the morning before I get out of bed.

8. Do "knee-chest exercises". It is to have the woman on her elbows and knees, so her hips are higher than her head, and to stay in that position for 15-20 minutes a few times a day. --> have also been doing this but is a little more uncomfortable than NO.7

9. Place a cold pack where the head is. The cold is suppose to make the baby uncomfortable therefore having baby move away from the cold (which it at the top) and then place a hot pack at the bottom of the uterus, therefore encouraging baby to move towards the warm part. --> Have not try this yet, a little skeptical but will try if I'm desperate.

There's alot of other techniques... but some I personally find it very bogus... so don't bother to write it out.

Anyways, if this is God's plan... so be it... as long as Valerie comes out a healthy girl.