I did something that I never thought I could ever do.
1. I let Valerie cry herself to sleep during her afternoon nap.
2. I "smack" (very lightly) her cheeks.
We came back from the gym and we were having lunch together at home. Usually she's quite good while having her meals... but she started to spit the food out! Not because she was full... but because she found it funny and I guess it was just play to her. I warned her a few times (obviously she didn't understand what I was saying) and then I just smacked her on her cheeks!! She screamed!! And I screamed too!! And I just walked away. Couldn't take the frustration anymore. Anyways, eventually came back and finish up our meal and got ready for nap time.
Valerie was showing signs of "sleepiness" but she wouldn't go to sleep. She keep crawling around the bed and we were on the bed for an hour! So I decided to put her in her crib and let her cry. I went to take a shower and actually sobbed in the shower. I was just filled with so much emotions, of guilt, of anger, of frustrations. When I came back, she was still crying, so I thought, "Let's try to sleep again". Lo and behold, half hour later, she's still not asleep. I gave up and put her back into her crib and walked out of the room. She cried for awhile (about 5mins) and then there was no sound. I checked on her and there she was, sound asleep.
Sigh.... many a days, it's like a struggle. A power struggle between Valerie and I is what some books/articles said. Valerie's very stubborn and sometimes even when I smack her hand for touching things that she's not suppose to, or I smack her thighs because she was kicking me and squirming away while I change her diapers, she doesn't cry at all. She'll look at me blankly or even look away.
I'm beginning to worry when the time comes to discipline her. I'm sure it's not going to be easy. She's not someone who will do whatever you ask her to.
Just wanna get it off my chest.
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4 comments:
vrsjNo, my dear... u were not a bad mother. U just did what was necessary at the moment. Like u say, this is an issue of power struggle & it is one that u need to win & the little one needs to know that u are THE- MOTHER-IN-CHARGE!!!
Its times like this that i wish i was still in the US so i will be a (cheap) phone call & no time difference away. But pls pls pls... promise me u will call me the next time u feel "sobbish" ok.
Hi Daphnie,
You are definitely not a bad mother. It is indeed very mentally challenging when dealing with our own kids, and not at all easy when we have to face them 24/7 without a decent break. I myself do get a few break down along the way... Just wanna tell you, you've been doing great taking care of Valerie!
Take care ^^
No. You are not a bad mother. You are just trying to be the perfect mother who is trying to make sure everything is in order. Don't stress yourself too much. It will drain you out way too fast before you can realise. It's good to vent this out once and awhile before you get more and more resentful and miserable. Don't worry. All of us will try to help and support you whenever you can when you are back in Spore this Sept. Jia You!! You are the BEST!!
BIMBO
Oh... Thank you so much for ur encouragements! I will keep up the "good" work.
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